Photo submitted – The youth division.
A pedestrian and cyclear event, available in single or double (dog) doses. This is a brief summary of prescribing information. For complete information, consult a physician:
CLINICAL STUDIES: Previous events have been carefully studied in multi-center, randomized, double-blind trials. Some participants were maimed, bruised, and injured, but most were simply embarrassed. DDD was administered in single and double (dog) doses, with similar results.
RX: Full dosage of DDD for treatment of malaise, boredom, depression, anxiety, smartasses, narcolepsy, recurring drowsiness, nausea, vomiting, and blisters.
WARNINGS: Participation may cause anxiety, drowsiness, nausea, vomiting, and blisters, or worse*. Other side effects (occasional, but not common) malaise, depression, and narcolepsy. Statistically and otherwise insignificant participants have suffered from divorce and other forms of aversion. Selected adverse events occurred in less than .1344% of adults: headaches, chills/fever, diarrhea, rash, nausea, and vomiting, as well as abdominal pain. DDD has been reported to cause cancer in laboratory rats. Participants should be monitored for the development of neuropathy usually characterized by numbness, tingling, or pain in the feet, legs, arms, hands, or torso. Symptoms may accompany participation and worsen upon completion.
*WHAT DO YOU MEAN “OR WORSE”? Well, first you run (or ride) up the first hill to the point of exhaustion; then, exhausted, you run down the hill. Then repeat the dose. Then (if you choose) get on a bike, if, while going up the hill your chain doesn’t break (and you get run over) on the way back down the hill, and traveling too fast, and contrary to our warnings, you are very likely to hit a stone, root or rock, or run into a large tree that you should have gone around, and flip onto your head. So “or worse” means at best, damaged equipment, broken limbs, ribs, noses, cuts, and (if your lucky) medical treatment, which you must pay for.
CAN I GET PREGNANT FROM DDD? Not likely. The trail is nice and all, and while exciting, it’s quite busy and there really isn’t time. And frankly, the participants are not that attractive, as most are muddy, bloody and/or sweaty. Only a statistically and otherwise insignificant number (.0012) have even considered the possibility.
WHO CAN I SUE? No one. If you’re foolish enough to take the double-dog dare, you lack the good judgment it would take to find a good lawyer willing to take such a case. Everyone who participates is deemed to be an organizer, so the best you can do is sue yourself.
So if you want to enter, sign up at the Little Falls Youth and Family Center. Or you can just show up at the watershed. But if we don’t know you’re coming, we might not have enough water, pizza, or finishing medals.
Contact: Little Falls Youth and Family Center, 15 Jackson Street, Little Falls, NY 13365 823-1740 Attention: Bart Carrig, or email firstname.lastname@example.org